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Tips For Getting Laid During The Recession: Never Pay For More Than 1 Movie Ticket

So it’s 2009, you don’t even have $12.50 of available credit left on your credit card, and since you’re out of a job the only thing you do is read the internet. Let’s all just accept the fact that it is more entertaining to watch other people interacting, rather than actually having to interact with another human being ourselves.

Even so, you get lonely sometimes and seek the comfort of another Redditer from Craigslist. After you’ve chatted on AIM like its 1998, you can actually tolerate communicating with her for short periods of time, you then realize that she only looks good in that first picture from CL from the awkward angle.

After looking at pictures of her cat, it is then you realize, “Hey, those other pictures may not be so great of her, but she has boobs, and if I can get her in that position again from the first picture, if even for just a few seconds I might actually be able to get off during sex this time.” That is if you can get her in just that exact same angle, with that lighting, with the same makeup, haircut, oh fuck it you might as well just get high and/or drunk and pretend.

Then setup a date.

The actual night of the date comes, and that freelance job you were expecting to provide you with some extra cash flow didn’t quiet pan out (I sense a repeating pattern here?). Suddenly panic induces anxiety as the epiphany that you actually will have to pay for something at some point in the night, and out of the 3 cards in your wallet you’re pretty sure you should just start asking everyone around you for change right now. Either find an empty cup, or hold it together so that can go see that new movie “from the creators of Supderbad.” I mean Role Models wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be, and neither was that other one with all the same actors.

Calm will arise when you remember you read some stupid article on the internet written by some dude who only pays for one movie ticket when he goes to see a movie because he realized that movie theaters can’t afford security guards anymore because we’re in a recession. Lucky you.

It’s true, not only did you lose your Silicon Valley job conspicuously located 400-miles away in Los Angeles, but so did Fred the movie theater security guard.

Fred lost his job for the same reason you did: most companies these days only keep the people who keep the lights on full-time, everyone else they just hire part-time, outsourced, or freelanced. Even so, the people who use to work these jobs full-time who now work them part-time are making considerably less than when they had full-time jobs and now they don’t have benefits so they just don’t care anymore. I mean hell, your probably making more from unemployment than these people make in 4-weeks working part time at the movie theatre.

With all this said, even if the movie theater you go to has cameras installed, odds are they can’t afford to pay someone to look at them anymore.

Just imagine the look on her face when you purchase only one movie ticket, then tell her it was all you could afford, and that she needs go stand in the back near the door closest to the alley near the parking lot where all the people doing drugs hangout. If she isn’t impressed at first, just tell her its better you have the ticket with you in case you get caught, use some of that reverse psychology you learned in community college, and explain it really has more to do with how much butter you like on your popcorn.

At this point hopefully she’ll be dazed and confused because her conformity warped mind will imploded from how irrational you’re being, which is when you break eye contact with her boobs, and hand your single lonely ticket to the ticket taker (some 17 year old who actually has a job when you don’t). By the time she figures out what you said made no sense you’ll be in the theater, and if she doesn’t hurry to the back door in the alley of remorse and despair she might not get to see what those guys from Superbad came up with this time.

Tigers LOVE pepper.

While the movie is playing make sure to rub the inside of her thigh the entire movie, and I mean the entire movie. I know you’re probably thinking, “Rub her thigh the entire movie? But I’m lazy. How am I supposed to eat my popcorn?” The good news is you actually have more experience at this than you think.

Just pretend you are at home, away from other people, and playing video games. Now think of all the practice and experience you have of hitting buttons repeatedly for hours on end while resisting the urge to eat, or use the bathroom. Apply the same basic logic and theory of button pressing to rubbing her leg the entire time, and by the end of the night she’ll be so turned on by your continued thigh rubbing efforts she’ll forget all about how you turned her into a back door alley girl before the movie.

After the movie take her home, drink or smoke whatever you can find with her, show off that you just made her sneak into a movie theater like she was in high school again, tell her she’s just as pretty as she was back then even though you didn’t know her, and have dirty kinky nasty sex.

What? It worked for me…

The next day you get to wake up hung over, and post “Hung over after seeing the Hang Over” on Twitter.